You would think someone as able and charismatic as Nelson Mandela, who became a global icon, would be sure of himself.
But in his recent book, Winnie & Nelson: Portrait of a Marriage, Jonny Steinberg points out how Mandela, looking back on his childhood, remembered moments when, comparing himself to the strapping youngsters around him, felt like “an orphan”, and not at all good enough.
“Years later, when he himself was the one with charisma and broad shoulders, he understood himself as an impostor summoning the idols in his head,” Steinberg writes.
Having lost his father, the young Nelson had recently joined the AbaThembu regent Jongintaba Dalindyebo’s household. “Just a boy, he had been separated from his home, his village and his mother, his father recently dead. And the things around him were not only familiar but grandiose. He was out of his depth.”
Later, says the author, Mandela found an accommodation with his younger self and his older, more assured self, and this was a vital part of his making. After going to live in the AbaThembu Great Place, he explains, he adjusted by mimicking those around him. “He thus became an aristocrat as an outsider does, by learning to play a role, by acting. The result is that he never confused himself with the public roles he played. This was a very healthy thing, psychologically. When he became world famous, he never confused the mythical, godlike Mandela with himself.”
The adult Mandela never lost sight of his human vulnerability, but he did not let it hold him back, as some people do who experience true impostor syndrome.
This experience by capable and successful people of experiencing crippling self-doubt and feeling like an undeserving fake is a common human condition, says Cape Town mental health consultant and clinical psychologist Alexa Scher. “I come across it all the time. It’s a case of ‘perspective taking’, not knowing if you are doing well enough, doubting yourself. People experience it to different degrees; it is quite universal.”
Things people with impostor syndrome might say include “I was just lucky to be given the job”, or “they must have made a mistake; soon they are going to realise I’m not as competent as they think I am. How can they possibly believe that I am good enough to do this?”, says Judy Klipin a life coach based in Johannesburg. “These are the kinds of stories we tell ourselves when our success and accomplishments feel too good to be true or trusted.” she adds.
“Men and women with impostor syndrome find it hard to believe that their achievements and abilities are due to anything other than luck, and possibly some smoke and mirrors; they feel they have managed to keep the illusion of competence going for long enough to fool some people some of the time, but this will surely end soon.”
But it does not only apply to our work life, a deep conviction that you are undeserving can pop up in your private life too: “People may wonder, am I worthy of a certain friendship or relationship. If they have experienced abuse, or been bullied, they may have low self-esteem, and they don’t believe they deserve being treated well. They may think, ‘my needs are not as important as those of others. There may be a feeling of not belonging in a family — am I wanted, or do they just put up with me? Also, there can be problems with dating.”
Technology may have helped more people to meet, but for those with shaky self-esteem it can turn dating into a painful experience: “With dating apps it is difficult to have the confidence to know whether people will like you. It’s about your self-conception, assuming what others think and hoping they will see your value.”
Scher says these feelings can be related to age, “when you have people starting out at work versus people who have been there a long time. They will most likely struggle, and even experience depression and anxiety. They fear they are not good enough, and they think, will I fit in here?”
But maturity is no guard against feeling like the wrong person at the wrong time. “When we have impostor syndrome, no matter how much we achieve, we don’t feel confident or competent. Sadly, we also don’t allow ourselves to feel the joy of success and achievement because we are always expecting to be exposed as inadequate,” Klipin says.
She believes some people are more vulnerable to the creeping doubt of impostor syndrome: “I believe that those of us who tend to judge ourselves without mercy and constantly seek approval and affirmation (so-called adult children) are vulnerable to experiencing impostor syndrome. Even when we are recognised for a job well done or are given a promotion or asked to lead an important project, that small insecure child inside us can’t allow us to believe that we are seen as anything other than inadequate and possibly even pitiful.
She says there are reasons that adult children are vulnerable to impostor syndrome:
• Without suitable role-modelling in childhood, adult children “guess what normal is”, which makes it hard for us to assess whether our feelings, worries, anxieties are to be expected or if they are specific to us. We don’t realise that most people have some level and degree of performance anxiety — we think it’s just us.
• Because so many of us have a foundational belief that we aren’t good enough (“if I were better it would be better”) it is hard to trust that anything we do or achieve is worthy and enduring.
• We struggle to ask for help and advice so often we have little sense of how our work is perceived and keep expecting any feedback we get to be negative rather than positive.
• We lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth, which makes us great pretenders (we pretend to be happy or able or willing when we may not be) and so we are in a constant state of anxiety that we are going to be found out and the pretence will stop and reveal what we fear to be the truth — that we aren’t what people believe us to be.
• Judging ourselves without mercy means that we are our own harshest critics and we never quite believe that we are adequate. We are always waiting to be discovered and outed as inadequate.
Scher says among her nonbinary clients, many “don’t feel themselves” in the workplace, and do not feel confident to say which pronouns they want people to use when they address them. Once these dilemmas are resolved, “it is reaffirming if people know who you really are, and you can be your authentic self”.
She says workplaces are more open now — “they don’t have a choice” — and to this end she is working with PathSA, an organisation that promotes gender-affirming healthcare.
In terms of treating patients who report impostor syndrome, Scher says her work is informed by cognitive behavioural therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy and mindfulness.
Mental health
“Mental health affects the way we think, our perspectives on situations, which impacts how we feel and what’s happening in our bodies. All of which goes on to influence our behaviour and our ability to function,” she says.
“Impostor syndrome is informed by perspective. If you are thinking, ‘I don’t belong’, first, notice what you are thinking and feeling; thoughts can be outside our awareness. Ask, why am I feeling anxious? It’s understandable to doubt, we all do. It’s human to wonder, to worry, especially in circumstances where we care. But if it affects your functioning, then it is a problem. Notice your thoughts, and think, is it true, do I know people are thinking this, or am I overthinking and trying to mindread?”
At work, she says, take the perspective of your supervisor rather than your own: it will be based in evidence. “Instead of believing what they think about your skills, find out. Communicate about your and their expectations. Clarification and communication are key.”
In performance appraisals, a structured space is established to get feedback “and have a difficult conversation in a good way”.
She adds that the benefit of seeing a professional, such as a therapist, about your concerns is that it creates structure and a regular way to check in and get feedback.
Klipin, who runs a virtual course called “Smash your own glass ceiling”, to help people break through the barriers that are in the way of happiness and success, says the most important and powerful way to move past impostor syndrome “is to acknowledge that you are a member of the very large impostor syndrome club”.
Her advice is: “Speak your fears out loud to yourself so you can hear how silly they are. Look back at all you have achieved to remind yourself how competent you are. Be kind to yourself — ask yourself what you can do differently rather than berating yourself, and ask for help from a mentor or a coach.”
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