Devlin Brown at the watercooler: Vote for the party that works out best for you

Q: How can I celebrate spring when December’s poolside sunshine is around the corner. Which is the best type of cardio to lose weight fast?

Become comfortable in your skin, and if you aren’t, seriously consider sustainable lifestyle changes because you cannot outrun a jam doughnut.

Have you ever watched Liverpool and Manchester United fans argue? Like Premier League fanatics, this is a slippery slope of taste. There are so many different types of cardio exercises to choose from it’s as painful as trying to find your party on an IEC ballot paper.

Running is like the ANC. It is the biggest activity by far. It is a broad church and if done properly, is about the most effective at achieving the desired end state. However, coasting along and ignoring performance can make it all a waste of time, where diminishing returns turn into perpetual disappointment.

Cycling is like the DA. Some would argue it’s even more effective than running, but cyclists do need to spend far more money. It’s a bit of an exclusive club, and at the wrong place at the wrong time, cyclists are terrible to be around because they act like they own the road.

If cycling is like the DA, then spinning is like Action SA. Built on similar principles to cycling, the classes are more inclusive in that you don’t need to own a bike. However, despite pedalling to oblivion, you’re going nowhere.

High-intensity metabolic conditioning (metcon) workouts have shaken up the fitness industry. Like the EFF. With loud music and plenty of shouting and violently slamming medicine balls against the walls and floor, this workout will raise your pulse for 20 minutes, but the excitement fades quickly. Adherents to this style of training treat it like a cult.

Activities like Bikram yoga and Pilates are like the IFP and FF+. They have their place and are very important to their niche communities, but when it comes to actual fat-burning efficacy, they can’t do it alone.

We’ve all seen the gadgets — devices that send pulses through your muscles or hula hoops that are electric. These are like micro parties that suddenly get the pedestal in coalitions. Very little substance but bizarrely part of the mainstream conversation.

Rise Mzansi is like the gene-altering “exercise in a pill”. It definitely exists in labs and is spoken about glowingly by futurists, but if truth be told it is a bit fanciful and ahead of its time.

Now that you’ve come to the end of your cynical journey and realise that everything is flawed if you rely on it like a fanatic would rely on a miracle, here’s the truth: the actual modality of training matters less than the intensity of your training, and how it fits into an overall fitness and weight-loss plan. This isn’t a cop out, it’s the truth. This includes the stepper in the gym, the treadmill, that strange Orbitrek thing and even the upside down bicycle where you cycle with your hands.

To your question, if you fix your diet and take spinning seriously, and incorporate it into a strength regimen, you’ll get amazing results. It is easy to lose fat if you accept that losing fat is very difficult. It is not pleasant unless you’re a zealous advocate of your chosen modality, such as high-intensity interval training, running or cycling.

Cut out sugar, including delicious juices that may have pictures of fruit on the bottle but are packed with the sweet devil, drop or severely restrict alcohol, abandon fast-food and processed food — which includes cake and cookies — and reassess how you design your plate. Do you really need potatoes and rice with that Sunday roast, or would a grilled vegetable and salad be better?

Once the diet part of the equation — the biggest by far — is taken care of, then choose an exercise that is appropriate for your body and the way you move, and importantly, one you’ll enjoy enough to push through comfort levels and days when all you feel like is lounging on the sofa and watching an episode of Painkiller on Netflix.