Many of us were raised on stories that ended happily ever after, but fairy-tale endings seem to be increasingly rare as divorce cases rise at an alarming rate.
There was an 11% increase in the number of completed divorce forms that were processed between 2011 and 2022, according to Stats SA data. Counselling psychologist Karabo Rasebitse attributes this increase to people being more willing and able to voice their dissatisfaction with their relationships.
“We’re looking at some of the myths around marriage or that a person cannot get divorced; people are have reached a point where they’re challenging all those myths. We’re looking at a society that is more awake, that is more aware, and that’s able to challenge some of the core beliefs that we’ve been taught as we grow up.”
Divorce has many causes. “Family dynamics is one of the big contributing factors. And when I speak about family dynamics, I take it in a sense that when you marry someone, you’re not just marrying that individual. There’s the family that gets to be involved, especially within the African context, especially as a wife,” Rasebitse says.
He says another major contributing factor is infidelity. Derek* and his partner had been together for more than a decade before they tied the knot. They met in university and their relationship appeared to be picture perfect.
“But the marriage itself was very short. It was nine months. I wouldn’t say it was a gradual deterioration during the nine months. From my perspective, it was only towards the seven-month mark that things started to get very shaky. And it was difficult to put a finger on what was happening.”
Derek discovered that his wife was having an affair, the couple separated and underwent couples therapy. Derek was willing to work things out with his wife but ultimately agreed with her that divorce was the only way forward.
Ashley* says she faced a similar dilemma, except her husband had been a chronic cheater even before they got married. She describes the relationship as toxic, saying they broke up several times during their five-year relationship.
“Two or three months after we got married, he went back to his bad ways. I almost think because we were married he thought I would never leave him because throughout our relationship he was the one always breaking up with me.”
Ashley filed for divorce after a year of marriage. As a lawyer, she was able to draft the divorce agreement and advised her husband seek legal counsel.
Resolute
According to Stats SA, women are more likely to file for divorce, with 56% of filings opened by women in 2022. Rasebitse says that women take more time to process the end of their marriage but once they’ve decided to file for divorce, they are resolute.
“So, by the time they reach that point of making a decision, they have gone through a lot of thinking and have tried to resolve things. In many cases, we’re sitting with men who are not ready to begin with issues. And they haven’t processed a lot of the things … Many women take time before making a final decision.”
For Ashley, this rings true. “I suppose that because of the toxic nature of the relationship, I got over it in the relationship. I reached a point at the end when I eventually left him, I was done.”
For Amina* it wasn’t so easy. As desperately as she wanted a divorce due to her ex-husband’s abusive tendencies, as a Muslim woman she wasn’t able to demand it; only her then husband had that right. “I was fearful, I was scared and I lost myself. There was no way I wanted to reconcile. And so I took an approach that not many Muslim ladies decide to do.
“You don’t hear of it often but I just gave back what he had given me on the wedding day [as part of a Muslim tradition]. So basically giving that back and giving papers and stating: I can’t be in this relationship. So he had no choice but to sign it.”
Power dynamics
Chanel* filed for divorce, a process that is ongoing, as a result of what she calls manipulation on her husband’s part. “He pushed me to the point where I couldn’t stay. He made sure to keep me in a state of confusion during our whole relationship.”
Chanel’s reasons for getting married in the first place were not romantic but rather the insistence of her husband that they tie the knot so the family, including her two children (one from a previous relationship), could receive visas to a foreign country when he received his. They had a small ceremony originally and a year later a larger one with 60 guests at a five-star resort in Mauritius.
A study involving more than 3,000 participants done by Emory University in the US found that women who spent more than $20,000 (R352,000) on their weddings were 1.6 times more likely to get divorced than those who spent between $5,000 and $10,000. Couples who spent less than $1,000 were most likely to have the strongest marriages. According to the study, the high cost of the wedding puts financial strain on the relationship, which increases the change of divorce.
While this study may have different results in SA, there were economic and power inequalities in Chanel’s relationship, as she was an employee at her husband’s business when they started dating. She says that after a while, he “forced me out of the company with promises that he would always take care of me”, resulting in her being financially dependent on him despite being a legal professional. “That was my first mistake, to let go of my financial independence,” she says.
Amina says she also compromised to try to improve the quality of her marriage. For her, it was her recovery from substance abuse. “He said he was clean but he wasn’t, so when I got into the marriage, I picked up certain things [as] a recovering addict. The toxicity came in and soon afterwards we started using together because he kept telling me that I was boring.”
Social capital
Divorce has an impact on people’s social standing. First, social media has made relationships and weddings more public than ever. “Social media can project an image that implies marriage needs to be this perfect thing. And if it’s not perfect, then that’s not good,” says Rasebitse.
After taking some time to process the end of his relationship, Derek wrote a post about his divorce on Instagram. “I certainly didn’t want rumours or the incorrect interpretation of what may have happened. I wanted to openly and honestly state that I was moving on. I was entering a new chapter alone, moving forward in my life, but I had learnt to see the upside of it. I also didn’t want to state the gory details ... just extinguish any suspicion or rumours that might be circulating.”
Derek found that the response was positive. “It was quite encouraging and empowering to know that people had my back.”
Ashley says she didn’t make an announcement. She deleted her wedding photos from Instagram while keeping them on Facebook. “It’s part of my story. I don’t think I felt shame at all, especially because I’m in the [law] industry and deal with divorces every day. I don’t care about people judging me or whatever, I just think somebody loved me enough to marry me.”
Sanele* got married for the first time in 2011. He has two children from his previous marriage — the reason he and his ex-wife remain in touch. Socially speaking, he says that his divorce affected both his social life and the image he projected to the world. “From a family perspective, when you’re married as a man, you are respected. Not just in your family, but generally in church. Whatever is happening, people will always put you on some sort of pedestal. We live in a patriarchal society, it’s good for a man to be married. When you lose that, you almost lose your status as a man. So your social capital takes a huge knock.”
Grief
The divorce process is very similar to losing someone to death. Rasebitse says that experiencing grief is normal. “In many cases, a relationship ending can also trigger things around depression, anxiety, financial stress and adjusting to running a household [without a partner] and a loss of income.”
Sanele says he went through a difficult period after his divorce. “I think that’s what marriage does to you, you become one with this person. Everything that happens, you experience it with this person. And suddenly, you cannot do that. You’re basically alone. You take a hit that way [and] you take a hit financially.”
He says you need time to heal, which is why he sought professional help. “I think your mental health takes a huge knock. It’s something you need to heal from … There’s also the feeling of not being wanted.”
Derek says that his divorce forced him into a period of reflection, which has been positive and necessary. “It’s allowed me to pay more attention to my mental health. I find that I’m a more reflective and self-aware person. There was a definite down period immediately afterwards for a good three to four months where there was some level of regret or wishing that I had made different decisions in life.”
The future
Only one interviewee, Chanel, says marriage is no longer for her. “I definitely want a committed partnership in the future but marriage was definitely something created by the patriarchy.”
Amina has a much more optimistic view of marriage. “I’m a hopeless romantic. So I think if it’s meant for me, I would get married.” Sanele, who has remarried, says it was different for him the second time. “I think that the fundamental difference between this marriage and my first marriage is that now I want to be here, I want to do this. I’m not driven by responsibility.”
There is life after divorce. As Amina says, for those afraid of making what seems like a drastic decision, “As soon as something is wrong, speak up. I tried so hard to fight, to make it work. I felt that had I spoken earlier, I could have gotten out of [the marriage] quicker. Don’t feel like you don’t have anyone or that no-one’s going to understand. Speak up. Once I used my voice, I got my power back.”
* Names have been changed.
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