Devlin Brown at the water cooler: Sobering advice on calorie-packed drinks

I have chosen to limit carbohydrates and portion sizes but I am still not losing weight. Which is the best alcohol to drink when trying to lose weight?

This is the health equivalent of asking: “Which state entity should I loot for the least blowback?” Perhaps this column is not “for you”. That’s OK, in 2024, “truth” isn’t for most people.

There is no “best alcohol to drink when trying to lose weight”. This weathered author would love it if there were. Just imagine: “Hi doc, I want to lose 8kg, what should I drink?”

“Hmm, let me see. Five foot 11, 88kg, a big rugby fan ... aim for at least two red wines a night with a few shots of whiskey when you feel bloated.”

Alcohol is dangerous beyond just weight gain, but I will answer your question. Only pure fat contains more calories per gram than alcohol. There’s nine calories in a gram of fat and seven calories in a gram of ethanol — the alcoholic component of your favourite drink. It’s all hollow calories — you get nothing in return, besides a larger waist. Ethanol is present in your favourite drinks, usually accompanied by carbohydrates in the form of sugar.

This is why someone who drinks more than they should regularly will lose weight if they quit the bottle. Assuming they don’t start eating more or moving less, they will reduce their daily calorie intake substantially. It’s not rocket science; it’s hollow calories plus sugar, over and above everything you already eat.

Everyone is different: height, weight, age, sex and activity level. But when speaking in terms of averages, the US health department says adult males need somewhere between 2,000 and 3,000 calories to “maintain their weight” and women need about 1,600-2,400.

Let’s demonstrate how easy it is to get up to a quarter of that, or even much more, through a few popular drinks. Of course, various resources have slightly different calculations, but most are within a fair range.

A pint of lager with 4% alcohol packs 170-210 calories and contains up to 18g of carbohydrates; 5% lager has about 240 calories per pint. This is the equivalent of three scoops of ice cream. Four pints? That’s 12 scoops of ice cream during one rugby game or nearly half of your daily calorie needs. Now add the biltong. Cider isn’t any gentler. A 440ml can of dry cider packs about 160 calories with almost 10g carbohydrates, and a pint of sweet cider has up to 25g of carbohydrates and somewhere in the region of 240 calories.

All the banters love their red wine. Let’s see what the numbers say. Red wine has virtually no carbs. Yes, a win! Or is it? A 250ml glass of red wine is said to be in the region of 125 calories all the way up to 190 calories, depending where you look. White wine has similar calories with about 2g of carbs. Sweet wine, with about 15g of carbs per glass, also has a quarter more calories.

Spirits typically pack 55 calories in a 25ml shot. A double would be 110 calories and then factor in the typical mixes. Coca-Cola has 140 calories in a can, according to the beverage company itself. A double brandy and Coke is 250 calories, while a piña colada can have up to 360 calories depending on the maker of the drink.

We could go on and on, but the point has been made. You might think you are in a calorie deficit but actually are living in a calorie surplus. Weight loss is more nuanced than just creating a calorie deficit, but you won’t lose weight in a surplus.

Those who don’t drink alcohol are better off for it. However, if you want to maintain a healthy weight or lose weight while enjoying a few drinks then that’s how you do it. Drink a few drinks. Not all of them.

Opt for fewer units of alcohol a week, and if you drink something that requires a mixer, then go for low-calorie versions. Don’t radically reduce your food calories to make space for alcohol. Do it the other way around.