Countless material and social rewards depend on how others perceive and respond to us. Therefore, the ability to present ourselves in the best possible light to others is an essential skill in social life.
One of the ways in which we seek to increase our “likeability score” is to brag about our achievements.
Bragging itself is as old as the first cave painting depicting a successful hunt. Yet there is some science behind why we brag to others.
In a study conducted by Harvard (you know it must be good if it was done by “Haarvaard”), bragging was found to stimulate the same part of the brain as when we engage in sex or eat food. This releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter often known as the “feel good” hormone. Therefore, we brag about our achievements because it feels good and because we believe it enhances our status in our social group.
There are situations where self-promotion is necessary, such as on presentation of a CV or during a job interview, to highlight what we have done or accomplished to qualify for selection for a position or promotion.
However, society has historically frowned on people who brag excessively. Sayings such as “too big for his boots” or “pride comes before a fall” show society’s displeasure with such conduct.
Excessive braggers are also said to exhibit narcissistic tendencies, and in extreme cases this may translate into a clinical condition known as narcissistic personality disorder, characterised by extreme vanity and a lack of empathy for others.
Narcissism derives its name from Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology who the gods punished because of his extreme vanity, by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. When Narcissus discovers that the object of his love cannot love him back, he slowly pines away and dies.
Displays of narcissism generally divide into two types: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose narcissists exhibiting arrogance and outward displays of self-importance and are more likely to feel themselves to be superior. Vulnerable narcissists are more insecure and hide their feelings of inadequacy with outward displays of grandiosity. They are more likely to feel they don’t measure up, causing them to experience envy and resentment.
Social media
Before the advent of social media, bragging about your achievements was limited to your social circle. We now live in an era of flagrant self-disclosure and self-promotion, an era of hyper-communication and profile creation via social media — think influencers and the mindless competition for “followers”.
Aside from providing a wider platform, social media has glorified the concept off self-promotion. It is therefore no wonder that it is generally accepted that the advent of social media has contributed to the increase in displays of narcissistic behaviour.
Social media has arguably also exposed a third category of narcissist, namely the “humble bragger”. Typically these are people who have not grown up with social media, in an era when bragging about your accomplishments was still seen as socially unacceptable. While in the real world they may not boast about their achievements, they have found that social media allows them to do so by adopting a veneer of humility by means of the “humble brag”.
A “humble brag” is usually linked either to a complaint — think of the person complaining about having to travel again for business accompanied by a picture of a first class airline cabin — or an achievement where someone will seemingly reluctantly tell you about it and how “humbled they are to have achieved blah blah blah.”
The antidote to the temptation to brag is an honest acceptance of praise, should it be forthcoming, as opposed to consciously acting to receive it. To act without expectation of praise does not make one special, but simply decent.
In some instances the humble bragger will engage in “wingman” or “proxy” bragging, where a colleague or toady underling will praise their friend or boss for an achievement (which was specifically relayed to them), or a parent will celebrate every milestone of their child by posting a picture of his or her graduation from an ivy league university, long after they have left the institution. The wingman or proxy will also benefit by showing what a wonderful friend, colleague, mother they are, and at the same time hope for a reciprocal response to their similar postings.
But for all those humble braggers here is the sad reality: if you haven’t cured cancer no-one really gives a damn about your minor achievements (other than perhaps your immediate social circle). Who cares if you are rated the fifth best lawyer by some publication no-one reads, and why would one brag about anything other than being number one?
Social media is so flooded by people boasting about underwhelming achievements that no matter how you style your brag it will be drowned out in seconds by the next one. Things have reached such a ridiculous stage that social media platforms such as LinkedIn will send out automated messages asking others to congratulate you on your first, second or other work anniversary, to which the only appropriate responses are possibly: “congratulations for not getting fired”, or “your profile says you are self-employed”.
Most importantly, research has shown that people find the humble brag even more annoying than the undisguised one. This is because humble braggers overlook another aspect of social evaluation: sincerity. Being sincere is a critical factor in determining the success of self-presentation, with perceived insincerity driving negative social responses. True humility requires the absence of deceit, whereas with “humble bragging” the issue of deceit is key. In other words, rather tell everyone you are a self-promoting arse than try to pretend not to be one.
The antidote to the temptation to brag is an honest acceptance of praise, should it be forthcoming, as opposed to consciously acting to receive it. To act without expectation of praise does not make one special, but simply decent.
In time, the humble bragger will discover, as did the mythical Narcissus, that whatever is staring back at them from the mirrored waters of the social media pond does not love them back, and the likeability score they sought to achieve will slowly wither and die.
• Read is founder and CEO of legal and tax consultancy Read Advisory Services. Szabo is a psychiatrist and former academic head of the department of psychiatry at the University of the Witwatersrand.
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