Mr President, esteemed guests, ladies and — sorry what? That's not the president? It’s the cardboard cut-out they’ve been using since Nasrec? Ah well, as Pravin Gordhan said to the Guptas outside the Treasury door, you can’t have it all.
Hindsight, they say, is 20/20, so what better time than now, the cusp of 2020, to gather together here in this beautiful ballroom and to look back at the past 10 years as we celebrate tonight’s Best of the Decade Awards?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a decade full of euphoric highs and miserable lows, and that was just Bathabile Dlamini talking to herself in her bathroom mirror before work. But before we get to our winners, please join me as we bow our heads and take a moment to remember those we lost in the past decade.
We also take a moment to remember the DA’s plot, lost forever in late 2019 during a family squabble, and take this moment to send our thoughts and prayers to the official opposition as it tries to regrow the two kneecaps it shot off.
First, we said goodbye to the rand. Still in robust good health 10 years ago, it powered all the way to R6.56 against the dollar in early 2011. But that was as good as it got. Stricken by simultaneous outbreaks of ANC, JZ and SOE, it fought bravely but in vain, eventually slipping away peacefully in Des van Rooyen’s sleep, to go to the great Banana Republic Central Bank in the sky where currencies that used to be stronger than the British pound endlessly wait to talk to a teller who never arrives.
We also take a moment to remember the DA’s plot, lost forever in late 2019 during a family squabble, and take this moment to send our thoughts and prayers to the official opposition as it tries to regrow the two kneecaps it shot off.
But now it’s time for winners, and our first award goes to the EFF, narrowly beating out Fikile Mbalula to take home the All Hat No Cattle Award for the decade’s loudest underachiever!
Indeed, this week Julius Malema rounded off a magnificently pompous decade by announcing that he wants to rule a United States of Africa. While we applaud his vision — honest, unapologetic megalomania is so rare in politics these days — we would, however, urge him to first try to crack 11% in a local election.
What was the biggest shock of the decade? Our judges considered everything from the Fukushima earthquake to the election of Donald Trump, but in the end they were unanimous that the greatest shock of the 2010s was any news, of any magnitude, that reached Cyril Ramaphosa.
This made every morning a wonderful surprise for the president — “the sun! It came back!” — but also meant that he spent his days reeling from astonishment to disbelief and back, discovering that rain is water that falls from the sky and sometimes lands on coal, and that a political party entirely riddled with corruption is, in fact, entirely riddled with corruption.
There were many contenders for Hardest Working Cadre of the decade. Carl Niehaus cooked up the fictitious deaths of not one but both his parents to avoid repaying millions of rand he owed, all so that he could afford the rental and late charges from Che Guava Military Costume Hire Inc.
And of course there was EFF Twitter, working deep into the night to heap misogynist abuse on female journalists.
But without question the hardest working cadre of the decade was public protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane.
Like the Japanese soldiers who kept fighting on remote Pacific islands after World War 2 had ended, Mkhwebane continues to fight on for Emperor Zuma, digging ever deeper into the volcanic ash left behind by his administration, determined to fight to the last rusty ruling.
OK, we’ve got to take a break and hear from our sponsors, but before we go, three quick cultural awards.
First up, best acting of the decade goes to Brian Molefe for his tearful performance in Eskom: Snot My Fault, best fiction is the EFF’s election manifesto; and best album is Ramaphosa’s mix of busking and tap-dancing called No, Really, There Is A Plan. Well done to you all.
Yes, it’s time for a short break but when we come back the evening hits its stride as we name the Biggest Winners of the Decade! And tonight there’s one nominee. Yes, folks, they’ve put the “oo” in looting, the “ai ai ai!” in Dubai and the rapture in state capture! It’s Utter Predation from Uttar Pradesh!
And then: what can we look forward to in the next decade? What will Ramaphosa’s first shock of 2020 be? A loud bang from a champagne cork, or the news that he is president?
Will the EFF reach 11%? Does Carl have any more parents he can kill for money? How long will Mkhwebane keep fighting?
Stay tuned. We’ll be right back after this desperately needed, all-too-brief break ...
• Eaton is an Arena Group columnist.
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