In response to executive communications from US President Donald Trump the SA government may wish to extend an olive branch.
After careful thought, I offer the following for consideration by our esteemed teams that have been dispatched to Washington — mindful of our shared Judeo-Christian values, concern for beleaguered Afrikaners and the sanctity of private property, and the future of Israel.
We fully understand the importance of “kith and kin” in any deliberations, and it is with this in mind that the following is proposed as a way out of the current impasse.
First, to safeguard US visitors we propose a rigorous new visa process. Prospective travellers will undergo preparatory classes on the perils of visiting our shores, complete with a mandatory pre-entry exam. Special visas, requiring an extensive four-week processing period and a modest $1,000 fee, will ensure each visitor is thoroughly vetted, albeit at their own expense — because, as they say, safety knows no price tag.
Acknowledging US support for Afrikaner farmers, we pledge to compile a comprehensive list of eligible candidates. Given our nation’s historical challenges with racial classification, this list will meticulously redefine the term “Afrikaner” to encompass our diverse population — anticipating, of course, that many previously unidentified Afrikaners might just surprise us. While we undertake to revisit previous racial classification criteria to ensure inclusivity, we are mindful that an egg, once scrambled, cannot be unscrambled.
For those farmers opting to exchange their land for a new life in the US, a generous relocation package awaits: $10,000 in immediate travel assistance, plus coverage of any auction expenses incurred in parting with their property. We undertake to look after the property acquired and to put it to good use. We understand that selling one’s land can be an emotional journey, and we will make it as financially painless as possible.
In the spirit of international co-operation (and Elon Musk’s boundless ambitions), SA welcomes the Starlink initiative, exempting it from pesky diversity and inclusion regulations. To balance this exemption, Afrikaners remaining in our country will enjoy preferential economic empowerment opportunities — a decision based on their invaluable contribution to our history, and based on our updated lists of eligible candidates.
Regarding property rights, SA asserts its sovereignty with a nod to US eminent domain principles, ensuring fair compensation under constitutional guidelines and judicial oversight. We also propose doubling compensation for those on our revised list — recognising their unique cultural heritage, and the inevitable complexities of our nation’s genealogical tapestry. This will have the effect of excluding from any empowerment considerations, British South Africans — a consequence that should chime with both our nations’ anti-imperial heritage.
To bolster bilateral ties we extend honorary citizenship to Elon Musk, a proud son of SA. This gesture not only honours his roots but also subjects him to our tax regime — a win-win for advancing both Starlink and our national coffers.
We understand the concerns President Donald Trump has about our case at the International Court of Justice against Israel in Gaza. In view of this, we are prepared to amend our submission to include the rights of Calvanist Afrikaners referred to above to occupy Gaza, where they will turn seawater into wine, relying on many years of viniculture and our past “dop system”, a unique method of payment that was responsible for much racial intermingling. Of necessity, the same revised lists would apply.
In closing, these somewhat tongue-in-cheek measures (#satire) are offered to assuage concerns on both sides of the Atlantic. After all, international relations are as nuanced as our shared histories. We will soon be handing over chairmanship of the G20 to the US and urge secretary of state Marco Rubio to reconsider his decision not to attend.
As a gesture of goodwill we will exempt him from our rigorous new visa process and ensure there are no paper straws in sight — in case Trump is concerned about their unwelcome appearance.
• Cachalia is a former DA MP and public enterprises spokesperson.
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