A lesson to athletes and sports officials worldwide — treat every microphone as a “hot mic” and avoid any monkey business. That this tutorial was brought to you by two of the world’s more uncaring, unlikeable and untouchable leaders — Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping — may not be the biggest deterrent nor best example of caring about what you say in public, the world is always listening.
If you missed it, on Wednesday Putin and Xi were leading a delegation of foreign leaders that included the heads of Azerbaijan, Belarus, Cambodia, Cuba, Iran, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, the Maldives, Mongolia, Myanmar and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) when Chinese state media broadcast a live conversation between the two as they headed towards Tiananmen Square to watch a military parade.
Putin’s interpreter was overheard saying to Xi: “Biotechnology is continuously developing.
“Human organs can be continuously transplanted. The longer you live, the younger you become, and [you can] even achieve immortality.”
Xi replied: “Some predict that in this century humans may live to 150 years old.”
Putin did not deny he had said this. Of course he didn’t for, as The Guardian reminds us, “sections of Russia’s elite, including Putin, have long been fascinated with longevity and the science of extending life. In 2024, Putin instructed lawmakers to establish a research centre called New Health Preservation Technologies, dedicated to combating ageing. The project focuses on developing ‘technologies that prevent cellular ageing, neuro-technologies, and other innovations aimed at ensuring longevity’.”
Alongside them, as if to remind the 72-year-olds of their ageing bodies, was the youngest member of the dictator club, Kim Jong-un, who is either 41 or 42 — no-one seems to know. Kim is a jong ou. Vlad the Impaler might like to suck the blood of that young guy to live forever.
It is no small coincidence that Wednesday was also the anniversary of the death of Russian-born surgeon Serge Voronoff, “who performed the first monkey testicle tissue transplantation in 1920. He told the 1923 International Congress of Surgeons in London that benefits included restoring youthful vigour — and went on to open a monkey farm to cope with the demand from wealthy clients,” The Times noted.
“Its popularity brought about the potent monkey gland cocktail, accusations of cheating in the English football league and ashtrays depicting monkeys holding their private parts. Voronoff also transplanted monkey ovaries into women. His wealth enabled him to maintain a retinue of personal staff and two mistresses. In 1952 Kenneth Walker, a leading British surgeon, described Voronoff’s treatments as ‘no better than the methods of witches and magicians’.”
This is not the monkey gland sauce invented in and peculiar to SA, which brings us to Wolverhampton Wanderers, the “Monkey Gland Affair” of 1937 and Major Frank Buckley, Wolves’ “eccentric” manager. The These Football Times website recounted how in 1937 “Buckley was approached by scientist Menzies Sharp about a radical new treatment that could improve stamina, accelerate recovery times and improve performance revolving around monkey gland implantation.”
Sharp was a disciple of Voronoff’s work. Buckley tested the monkey gland sauce on himself first and then insisted his players spike up. A few refused. Don Bilton, who was just 17 at the time, refused to be injected. It may have been the placebo effect, but Wolves went on the rampage, smashing Everton 7-0 and then Leicester City 10-1.
Leicester complained to their MP Montague Lyons, who wanted the government to investigate: “When Walter Elliot, minister of health, rejected this request, Emanuel Shinwell, the Labour MP, suggested that considering Wolves’ impressive form, ministers of the Conservative government should be put on a course of these injections.”
More clubs started with the monkey business, notably Portsmouth, Spurs and Chelsea. “The 1939 FA Cup final would see Wolves take on fellow ‘monkey gland’ side Portsmouth in what the press deemed the ‘Monkey Gland Final’ with Pompey winning 3-0.”
It didn’t work for Spurs or Chelsea at the time. Indeed, it took the transplantation of a Russian — Roman Abramovich (a mate of Putin) — to up the performance of Chelsea.
There is no evidence that transplants can enhance performance, though the Üsküdar University in Istanbul has conducted studies into the impact of “stool transplantation” on athletes.
Fecal microbiota may be the new monkey business. This could be a close encounter of the turd kind or a method of witches and magicians.
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