Most of what has been written about apologies is fundamentally manipulative, because the focus is on technique — on applying psychology to extract forgiveness from others. But at its best, an apology is the fruit of personal change, not a tool for interpersonal persuasion.
Here are some thoughts on how to write a real apology that reflects real change.
1. Get your motive right. Apologies that "work" are those that deserve to work because they are issued from a sincere feeling of remorse and resolution. Your motive should not be to regain trust but to deserve it. You should spend less time worrying about how to give an apology and more time reflecting on how you can merit forgiveness.
2. Absorb the learning. You must own up to any damage you created. You can be honest with the other party about your own views on the situation — but your primary focus must be to enter their world and see your behaviour from their perspective. Then, you must resolve to improve your motives and abilities so that in the future, you will be the kind of person you want to be.
3. Issue the apology for the right reason. The best apology is a glimpse into your own accountability. It affords others an intimate and sincere view of your internal moral conversation — how you respond to their feelings and how you judge your own actions. Its goal is not to "get" something from the other person. You can’t control that. All you can control is the speed with which you regain your own integrity.
(Adapted from What a Real Apology Requires, at HBR.org)
Harvard Business Review
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