“And as many loves that have crossed my path, in the end it was friends; it was friends who broke my heart.” These haunting lyrics from English musician James Blake, who paints a relatable picture for many in the song Friends That Break Your Heart. Friendship breakups are almost a rite of passage, so why are they so difficult to process?
At 33, I’ve had my fair share of friendship heartbreaks. Some have been more difficult than others, and some occurred naturally due to rapid life changes. Most people have had a breakup with a friend and would agree it can severely affect your mental health and self-esteem. It’s not simply about “drama”, but rather a real emotional and psychological crisis.
“There can be misalignments in terms of the stages of life that you’re in so it often happens when people get into relationships and move away from their friends, or they get married and have kids and some of their friends’ lifestyles are different, so they don’t necessarily align,” said Ashleigh Kater, a counselling psychologist based in Johannesburg. “And then there can also be big issues of conflict that come up that are not managed properly, so when there is some sort of rupture. Sometimes in friendships there can be a rupture, but for whatever reason there isn’t repair — to avoid conflict, for example — and then it becomes this big elephant in the room and the friendship breaks up.”
Busisiwe* experienced a friendship split with a close friend she called “the love of her life”. She said the friend was her biggest cheerleader and supported her through her six-year substance abuse and recovery journey. “I don’t know what happened, but she started to pull away from me and then ghosted me. She wouldn’t return calls. We were supposed to meet [but] she didn’t show up.”
There was no conversation and no expressed concerns — just silence. Eventually, Busisiwe received an email from her former friend listing the reasons she had decided to end the relationship. “I had to accept those reasons at face value, even though there were things that we could have spoken about because it felt like there was a bigger issue she wasn’t yet comfortable telling me…. One of [the things she complained about was that] whenever we were together, she was always driving…. [This was one of the examples she gave] for ghosting me and putting me through that hell. I had to accept that maybe in her world that was such a big thing that it warranted shutting me out the way she did and breaking our friendship.”
Ghosting is common in romantic and platonic relationships. It begs the question: are people shying away from difficult conversations and perhaps even “protecting their peace” a little too much? Kater said that while there has been a positive shift in how we think and speak about mental health, it can sometimes be taken too far. “It’s become so easy not to speak to someone. You just block them on everything, you never see their content, you never really see them around and that seems quite simple…. I certainly think there are valid reasons to cut someone off, but we will often use the statement ‘protecting my peace’ to avoid something — to avoid having the difficult conversation, to avoid the potential for repair — and that’s where protecting your peace becomes a little bit of a challenge.”
I certainly think there are valid reasons to cut someone off, but we will often use the statement ‘protecting my peace’ to avoid something — to avoid having the difficult conversation, to avoid the potential for repair — and that’s where protecting your peace becomes a little bit of a challenge.
— Ashleigh Kater, a counselling psychologist based in Johannesburg
There are also situations in which friendships are intentionally dissolved when it appears that values no longer align. Josie* had to end a long-term relationship with one of her closest friends for this reason. “[The friendship] was magical. Molly* was a true friend — a friend I thought I’d never have. When I met her I was this introverted, shy girl with no identity and she gave me the tools and means to discover myself and who I wanted to be as a person. In doing so, I developed my confidence and personality and became a likeable person.”
While there were many perks to this friendship, Josie said that in hindsight she can spot the red flags that existed from the start. “I was blind to it, but she tended to belittle me by starting with a compliment and ending with five or six insults, which would reveal my insecurities or things I was embarrassed about.” After seven years of friendship Josie realised that the relationship wasn’t as healthy as she initially thought and decided to end it by “letting it fizzle out”.
“I was constantly worrying that she was going to start screaming at me or pick on me again. It was also hard to have conversations with her about these things, because she would immediately get defensive or passive-aggressive, like ‘woe is me’ and then turn everything I was saying back onto me. It was impossible to have a conversation with her about it,” Josie said.
The experiences of friendship breakups detailed by the women above support research suggesting that women often have dense, emotionally intimate networks that can differ from those of men. “I think the way that men and women have been socialised … often comes down to the fact that women tend to be more vulnerable in general and in friendships. With that vulnerability comes two things: more emotional attachment and the potential for more conflict and breakups, as well as a deeper sense of loss when a friendship breakup does happen,” said Kater.
However, the grief that exists after a platonic breakup can be devastating for men and women. Patrick said the dissolution of one of his closest friendships was overwhelming. “Have you ever felt like your heart has been ripped out of your chest? I’ll never be able to speak to this person again.”
I think the way that men and women have been socialised … often comes down to the fact that women tend to be more vulnerable in general and in friendships. With that vulnerability comes two things: more emotional attachment and the potential for more conflict and breakups, as well as a deeper sense of loss when a friendship breakup does happen.
— Ashleigh Kater, a counselling psychologist based in Johannesburg
Many of those interviewed for this article compared the heartbreak of a friendship breakup to that of a romantic one, insisting that losing a friend can be just as devastating. Margeaux* had a friendship dwindle until it eventually ended, which she said affected her self-esteem and how she shows up in other relationships. “It was like I was ghosted with no answers and it hurt just as much as it would if it were a romantic relationship. It also affected my confidence, as I felt I was not worthy of friendship if someone could so easily toss me aside. I’ve also found it difficult to let new friends in or rely on them completely, and I’ve become more comfortable doing things on my own for fear of being let down.”
Kater said relying on the support system that remains in one’s life is crucial when navigating the grief of a friendship breakup. “Speaking about it is such a powerful thing in any kind of breakup, loss, or emotionally difficult situation. Friendships are tied to our core need for belonging. So when a friendship breakup happens, it really shakes us to our core — it shakes our sense of ‘I belong’. What becomes important, then, is finding your tribe elsewhere and reminding yourself that just because one relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t diminish your value as a person.”
She said that while there are clearer steps towards closure in romantic relationships — such as going no-contact — these are less defined in platonic situations. “It’s important to find a closure ritual for yourself, whether that’s unfollowing someone because seeing their content feels triggering or sitting with yourself and journaling to process the ending.”
Seeking professional help can also be useful as can accepting the closing of a chapter to let go and move forward. Zakithi* offers comforting words based on what he’s learnt from the end of friendships. “Try not to dwell on it too much. It’s painful when a friend ices you out or a friendship fades away…. [But those friendships] were part of a season of your life. Seasons change — and that’s OK.”
When Blake sings about friends being the ones who break his heart, he reflects an experience that many people recognise but rarely name. Friendship breakups may lack the formal language or social scripts that accompany romantic separations, yet their emotional impact can be just as profound.
* Names have been changed.
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