The news that SA’s unemployment crisis was its worst in 11 years probably wasn’t the curtain-raiser Pravin Gordhan had hoped for, but it was fitting. The economy is bleeding out and Gordhan’s plan for Eskom seems to be more about stabilising a dying patient than laying out options for rehabilitation.
Indeed, there was almost nothing in Tuesday’s briefing that hasn’t already been said: it is news to nobody that Eskom needs to be run differently and that transmission will become a stand-alone entity.
All the same, it was a mild relief for those of us who remember the previous administration to see a turnaround plan that didn’t involve spending R1-trillion illegally on a power policy devised by the professional shopper of the au pair of the Dubai-based son of the Moscow-based ex-mistress of the sugar-daddy of the daughter of a current Big Man.
Twitter, of course, was having none of it. Within seconds of Gordhan confirming that transmission will become a subsidiary under a holding company, I read that Gordhan is a communist whose refusal to fire a bloated Eskom workforce will doom us to Soviet stagnation, and that he is a capitalist lackey determined to sell out the workers to his corporate paymasters.
Fortunately, the hot takes soon roared past like a ball of burning nappies rolling down a hill, and more measured responses began to appear. Business pundits cited the swooning rand as proof that the briefing had been disappointing. Others glanced at the municipal elephant in the room, ruefully pointing out that Gordhan’s entire plan depends on consumers paying for the electricity they use.
Certainly, some of it seemed quite ambitious, like Gordhan’s assurance that the physical separation of the transmission system will happen in the next three months. Since it can take three years to physically separate some cadres from their office chairs, this will be quite something.
The rest, however, will have to be interpreted and translated for us by experts: I understood almost nothing that featured in the impressively complex flowchart outlining Gordhan’s plan, except for one block, titled “SLA’s”, which I assume refers to a plan whereby slow left-arm bowlers like Keshav Maharaj will deliver coal on a nagging length between middle and off.
Eskom CEOs don’t cry, mostly because they’ve sweated themselves dry and have no tears left.
We do, however, know two things for sure.
The first is that Eskom’s new CEO is being named next week.
The second is that we should bow our heads and pray for that poor, poor wretch.
Indeed, even now, his or her first day on the job is being pencilled into the official diary ...
8.30am: Arrive at office, meet the team.
8.32: Have a small cry.
8.35: Make speech outlining challenges and expressing confidence in turnaround plan.
8.45: Have a stiff drink.
8.46: Meet with delegation from labour unions.
8:49: Call PA to come and unlock you from office cupboard inside which delegation stuffed you. Have a small cry while you wait.
8.52: Return to desk, have two stiff drinks.
8.54: Draft letter to Soweto explaining that it is going to have to cough up the R18bn it owes.
9.01: Assume brace position under desk.
9.05: Sign resignation letter (pre-written, it’s in the top left drawer.)
9.07: Make speech outlining challenges you’ve faced and expressing confidence in your replacement.
9.10: Vacate office.
I’m joking, of course. Eskom CEOs don’t cry, mostly because they’ve sweated themselves dry and have no tears left.
But the fact remains that whoever takes over that nightmarish job is going to be in for a very, very stressful few months.
Let us hope and pray that they stick it out; that triage slowly becomes rehabilitation, and that stiff drinks become celebratory toasts.
They say that hope isn’t a strategy, but to be fair, neither was Eskom. So here’s to hope and better days.
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