Extract The president has promised action. Bungles will be unbungled, although nobody will call it “unbungling” in case the unions hear “unbundling” and start redeploying cadres out of windows. Still, as the Sona smoke clears, we’re still not entirely sure how the government plans to plug the R200bn hole we know as SA’s state-owned enterprises. Which is weird, because there are some obvious ways the state could rake in billions, starting today.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it could create better conditions for business. Fight corruption. Teach children to read. Man, that’s so 1994 of you.
No, instead of daydreaming of a competent state we need to live in the present and encourage Cyril Ramaphosa to be pragmatic and to monetise the truly SA assets he has at his disposal right now.
To this end, I humbly offer the government the following six-point plan for raising R200bn and saving the economy.
- Trap the EFF into libelling everyone in government. The EFF loses every case it contests, and at R500,000 a verdict the state could raise billions simply by encouraging the EFF to give in to its true nature.
- Bet R1bn on the Proteas beating Australia next week. Statistically SA has to win one of its last remaining World Cup games, so that’s a one-in-three chance of making a huge return. Of course if the Proteas lose Treasury can just shout “Choke!” and everyone will be too busy sharing memes to register the absence of another billion.
- Launch a new online platform, based on Twitter, called Shitter, dedicated entirely to rage-posting by seething morons, who pay per post according to a sliding scale linked to the vileness of their content. Given the number of South Africans who cannot resist churning out online diatribes, this is a guaranteed source of income. Best of all, because it’s by subscription only, the rest of us won’t have to see any of it. (If Shitter takes off and the pay-per-rant business model proves lucrative, expect similar sites such as I’m So Glad I Moved To Australia That I Can’t Stop Writing About South Africa and Quota Players Ate My Baby.)
- Nationalise all manufacturers of high-backed white leather armchairs, bronze leopards, porcelain whippets and all other shatteringly kitsch items adored by state captors and their interior designers. Corruption is going nowhere, which means these will remain growth industries and the state will recoup billions thanks to the eternal economic principle that new money is drawn to porn-set décor like a moth to a flame.
- Send Blade Nzimande to China to open an elite business academy. After all, if anyone knows how to be a communist and a millionaire at the same time, it’s Blade.
- Rebrand Faith Muthambi as an extremely expensive motivational speaker. Her global roadshow – If I Can Be Employed Then Literally Anything Is Possible – would rake in millions.
You’re welcome, Mr President. Now don’t spend it all in one place.
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