For her latest book, Men & Mental Health: Shattering the Silence, Marion Scher has collected relatable stories told by various men in SA who have struggled with their mental health. These include Swys de Bruin, former Springbok men’s and Lions rugby coach and current Springbok women’s rugby coach, well-loved playwright and singer-songwriter David Kramer, former Bafana Bafana goalkeeper Brighton Mhlongo and Springbok gold-medallist swimmer Chad le Clos.
Scher is also the author of Surfacing: People Coping with Depression and Mental Illness and Big Bully: An Epidemic of Unkindness. When asked whether these previous projects had led her to this book, she said: “After writing on mental health for 30 years I’ve always noticed a reluctance in men to discuss such issues so I thought it was time to ‘break the silence’ and encourage conversations around this vital topic.”
The statistics are well known: more women in SA report conditions such as anxiety and depression but SA men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women. Writing in the foreword, Sun Pharma CEO Malcolm Brown calls the book “a much-needed intervention in a world where men are expected to be unbreakable, where vulnerability is still too often mistaken for weakness”.
He adds: “The pressure to perform, to provide, to never show any chinks in the armour, is a dangerous illusion, one that has cost too many lives. And yet within corporate culture, within sport, within society at large, we continue to perpetuate it.”
Speaking of the “quiet burden” that leadership brings, Brown writes that he has watched colleagues buckle under the weight of stress.
De Bruin relates how that point came for him. It was 2018 and he was not only the head coach of the then highly successful Lions, but also the attack coach for the Springboks, about to head out for Tests against Australia and New Zealand. “I came out of coaching the Lions, put down one lot of suitcases, picked up the next lot, and off I went to join the Boks.”
During the build-up to the Lions’ Sydney game, De Bruin was having some problems with a referee’s decisions and felt his stress levels rising.
Three weeks before the World Cup, he noticed the same symptoms reoccurring. “One of the first signs was a ringing in my ears and a sharp sensitivity to noises.”
Lying in his hotel bedroom in Sydney, his stress became so acute he thought he was having a heart attack. The team doctor diagnosed a panic attack and De Bruin knew he had to leave the job. “It wasn’t an easy decision after being with the Springboks for 16 Tests, which had been wonderful. It was difficult telling Rassie Erasmus I was leaving, but I knew I had no option.”
Once home he was advised to see a psychologist and in therapy he began to realise that some of the ways he’d been taught as a child to deal with stress weren’t that helpful. “I was the youngest of three boys and I was taught that if someone bullies you, you just suck it up, and if they hurt you, you hit them back.”
Scher writes that De Bruin’s wife and three sons were extremely supportive. Now, as the Springbok women’s rugby team’s results attest, he is doing much better.
Strong, silent types
Boys are often raised to not show any vulnerability, and Kramer relates how the male figures in his family were the “strong, silent type”.
Achieving great success with his writing partner, Taliep Petersen, came with its own problems. It was while at the Edinburgh Festival to stage their blockbuster play, District Six, that Kramer began to doubt his own abilities after the quintessential SA story didn’t get the same audience response in the UK as it had at home. He shares that he became a functioning depressive, not really well but able to continue writing and performing. “This would see me lying in bed the whole day, not wanting to do anything, then getting up at 5pm and performing on stage as though nothing was wrong.”
His wife encouraged him to see a therapist. “She felt it was affecting our marriage, and from someone who I knew would never give up on me, it was the push I needed.” He adds that the therapy didn’t change things overnight “but after a while I definitely felt the benefit and I’ve never found myself back in that state of depression again”.
The fact that these stories are told by men who to the outside world look like they have everything, is powerful as it shows that anyone can suffer depression. “Depression knows no boundaries between ethnicity or religion, financial status or gender — everyone and anyone can be a sufferer. And it’s not about having a bad day or feeling sad about a specific incident or having a bout of the blues. Depression is a real medical condition, an illness. A 2022 study showed that 25.7% of South Africans are probably depressed, with more than a quarter of respondents reporting moderate to severe symptoms of depression,” Scher notes.
An informative table lists how major depression presents differently in men and women, with women tending to feel sad, apathetic and worthless, for example, and men becoming angry, irritable and ego inflated. Women tend to avoid conflict at all costs, she writes, whereas men tend to create conflicts, and while women often use food, friends and “love” to self-medicate, men may turn to alcohol, TV, sports and sex.
In addition to depression, Scher explores all the major mental health conditions, including anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and serious mood and thought disorders such as bipolar and schizophrenia.
The cost of success
Mhlongo struggled to cope with success. His dream of playing soccer for SA came true in 2016 when he was 26. “Suddenly you step into this arena, which is like nothing you’ve experienced before, and you’re supposed to just fit in and get on with it.” The anxiety made him feel he had demons following him and to make it worse, there was a lack of support from management: “Once you’ve signed their contract, that’s it, you’re pretty much on your own.”
There were coaches aplenty to advise the players, but no mental health professionals to help them deal with the stress of working in such a high-pressure environment, he says, adding that he embraces counselling therapy in his coaching programmes with youngsters now.
All the stories in the book are riveting and insightful, showing how these icons, as well as less well-known men in SA, have turned their difficult experiences into ways to grow personally and help others.
The opinion and recommendations of prominent mental health professionals are also featured, such as psychiatrist and clinical psychologist Dr Frans Korb, who speaks about the pervasive stigma about mental illness. “Sadly, even with more awareness around mental health issues, there’s still too much stereotyping and stigma with SA men. Admitting to having any kind of mental health issue is still very much taboo.”
Psychiatrist Dr Mvuyiso Talatala notes the huge injustice of being told to “pull yourself together” when you confide that you are struggling. He adds that diagnosis is often not straightforward for men. “When a doctor sees what should be diagnosed as male depression, they’re often seeing someone with substance abuse, risk-taking behaviour, poor impulse control, anger and irritability.”
Scher provides information on the various types of therapy available, but outlines some other solutions too, for example asking your doctor for more information on depression; becoming more active; and making a point of turning to others to avoid the isolation that often comes with depression and other mental health conditions. It helps to break the silence.
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