The sign read: “Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion. ‘It seemed to me,’ said Wonko the Sane, ‘that any civilisation that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilisation in which I could live and stay sane.’” — Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, 1984.
There’s a scene in the fourth book of Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series that defines how the world has gone mad. A character describes how he noticed instructions on a box of toothpicks and realised if you needed to tell someone how to use a toothpick, that civilisation has “lost its head”.
I feel like that moment happened when people up-voted an egg in 2019 so that it would be the most-liked Instagram picture — instead of another vacuous so-called influencer. I knew then — like Wonko the Sane knew in Adams’ fictional world — that our civilisation had lost its mind.
If it isn’t Donald Trump and Elon Musk destroying life-giving agencies in their misdirected war against “woke”, it’s Vladimir Putin still invading Ukraine and bombing civilians, or SA’s military chief cosying up to Iranian leaders, or a Kennedy — of all proud names — destroying a century of vaccine mandates.
There’s a social media meme doing the rounds stating that “the MMR vaccine is safe, measles is not,” referring to the measles, mumps & rubella jab. Is it a quote by the current American health secretary or a fictional character (played by Noah Wiles) in a hit TV series, The Pitt? You guessed it. TV shows have become better sources of reality and fact than elected officials in America. Even if they happen to be a Kennedy.
This year has done nothing to assuage anyone’s fears that we’ve reached some kind of dangerous tipping point — as climate change and vaccine denial have become mainstream, rational people try to destroy the global order in pursuit of their own controversial views.
There can never be anything like “clean coal” despite the flashy PR campaign. Autism was never caused by vaccines (that guy was disbarred and the medical journal retracted the story) and two decades later there is still no proof.
At home, there has been distinct outrage from senior ANC figures that President Cyril #LetsStartACommission Ramaphosa dared point out what every other South African already knows: the best-run municipalities in SA are managed by the DA.
“Municipalities that do best are not ANC-controlled municipalities. And I can name it here because there is nothing wrong with competition. They are often DA-controlled municipalities,” Ramaphosa said.
It was left to ANC elder Frank Chikane to point out the obvious: “If you’re going to serve people, you can’t steal from the people. This thing of the ANC of thieves must come to an end.”
I’m sure I’m not the only one to be plagued by the question: who paid for those 4,500 ANC councillors to be at FNB Stadium, their party or the governments they supposedly work for?
Two months after Ramaphosa staged an intervention in the dysfunctional City of Johannesburg, during a parliamentary oversight session this month the chair of its co-operative governance & traditional affairs committee said city officials had been evasive and attempted to mislead regarding that big building that burnt down.
Listening to the chairperson and his righteous indignation you might be heartened that someone in the ANC is finally taking corruption seriously. “From where we sit, akuhlangani [it doesn’t make sense],” said the chair. “You are giving us a lecture on how the system should work. That’s not what we’re asking.”
Who is this new bright shining light of integrity in SA politics? Zweli Mkhize, the disgraced health minister who was accused of stealing R150m during a pandemic. Sometimes I feel like we’re living in a Zapiro cartoon.
Meanwhile, the US president uses his own platform, the ironically named Truth Social, as his mouthpiece, giving new meaning to “digital diplomacy”. Donald Trump even says he “truthed” things when he, well, tweets them. In a twist worthy of a QAnon conspiracy theory Trump is now inextricably linked to convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
Instructions for your toothpick, anyone?
If you thought Will Smith’s bully-enabling Oscar slap was a low point for global male role models, it was before this current batch of rich, deranged and ethically bereft buffoons rose to prominence. The world is a poorer, madder place because of this uncontrolled, out-of-control toxic masculinity.
Elon Musk, the once “First Boyfriend” of Trump’s White House, has been rewarded with a $1-trillion pay package — despite the undignified, Nazi-saluting, brand-destroying, toxic masculinity-extolling bad behaviour that saw him eventually dumped by Trump.
The Tesla board decided to offer this mega package to Musk, still the world’s richest man, despite his allegedly extensive ketamine use. That Musk can wreak havoc with the Tesla brand — to the point where protesters were firebombing them in dealer parking lots and defacing them with spray paint — and then be rewarded with an eye-watering offer raises the question of what has happened to corporate governance at the electric carmaker.
This Howard Hughes-esque genius complex is going on, isn’t it? Why would the Tesla board condone such behaviour with such an over-the-top offer?
Toothpick anyone?
• Shapshak is editor-in-chief of Stuff.co.za.
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